Long Time No See

I've been avoiding this. I've been avoiding this for months. There is accountability with blogging. Once people start hearing your heart, they usually want to know more. That's a scary thing for me.  I can count on one hand all the people in my life that I feel like truly know me. I don't open up to many people at all. I'm just a people pleaser, you see. I like to know that everything I say and do is alright and okay for everyone. With blogging though, sometimes that's just not the case, however, and when it comes to matters of faith and God there is always someone who is going to be offended or question a stance you might take. Throw all of that in to this thing called life and you've got yourself a recipe for controversy. But, what you also have is the perfect opportunity for encouragement and accountability. Those who read now have the opportunity to pray specific prayers for you. I forget how powerful a thing blogging really can be. A facebook status update or tweet here and there might let those who love you have a brief peak into your life every now and then, but I wonder what a blog entry (or in my case, a novel) every few days might do for the Kingdom. I wonder that by sharing my thoughts, prayers, and struggles with those that I love, I might not only be opening myself up for encouragement and prayer, but also, I might be able to encourage someone else. Hmmm.

I tend to be someone that focuses on the negative. As much as I hate to admit it, a majority of my days are spent viewing the world through a 'glass is half empty' kind of lense. I have shied away from blogging since my return from Cape Town for many reasons; fear being at the top of the list. Fear that what I learned there- what I am learning now- will be something that I am unable to adequately convey or might be met with criticism from time to time. BUT in this new year-2011, I am setting aside my fears (or at least trying my best to.) I am going to write songs. I am going to blog when I want to and I am going to say what I want to. I am going to learn how to play the guitar if it kills me. I am going to tell everyone that asks me what I want to do with my life that I want to be a worship leader- because, guess what, that's what I want to do, and dang it, I am going to do it. God has made it so clear that this is my calling. I'm not going to run from it anymore. The word 'fear' is slowly making its way out of my vocabulary. I hope you don't mind reading along with my struggles this year as I face them. This semester has been both exciting and scary already, and I'm only a week into school.

Last night, a dear friend called to tell me to read a prayer from one of my favorite books, Valley of Vision. If she only knew how fitting it was:

With the Holy Spirit leading the way, I can do this. I am 21. I am a grown up. I can. do. this.
Ready.
Set.
Go.

Thou God of my end,
Thou has given me a fixed dispositions
    to go forth and spend my life for thee;
If it be thy will let me proceed in it;
    if not, then revoke my intentions.
All I want in life is such circumstances
     as may best enable me to serve thee in the world;
To this end I leave all my concerns in thy hand,
     but let me not be discouraged,
     for this hinders my spiritual fervency;
enable me to undertake some task for thee,
    for this refreshes and animates my soul,
    so that I could endure all hardships and labuours,
    an willingly suffer for thy name.
But, O what a death it is to strive and labour, 
    to be always in a hurry and yet do nothing!
Alas, time flies and i am of little use.
O that I could be a flame of fire in thy service, 
     always burning out in one continual blaze. 
Fit me for singular usefulness in this world. 
Fit me to exult (glory) in destresses of every kind
     if they but promote the advancement of thy kingdom.
Fir me to quit all hopes of the world's friendship, 
     and give me a deeper sense of my sinfulness.
Fit me to accept as just desert from thee
    any trial that may befall me
Fit me to be totally resigned to the denial of pleasures I desire,
     an to be content to spend my time with thee.
Fit me to pray with a sense of the joy of divine communion,
     to find all times happy season to my soul,
     to see my own nothingness
    and wonder that I am allowed to serve thee. 
Fit me to enter the blessed world where no unclean thing is,
    and to know thee with me always.

Living Hope- South Africa

When Obee laughs...

When Obee laughs, I can’t help but giggle with him

When Obee laughs, the world somehow seems right for once.

When Obee laughs, I am reminded that maybe, just maybe, my time here did make a difference in someone’s life….

It took a while to get Obee to smile. It took about 2 weeks to figure out how to get him to smile at me…he’s ticklish. It took me 3 weeks to get him to voluntarily smile at me and about that amount of time to get him to play with me and some of the other children. By week four he was running up to me as soon as he got there, playing with other kids, and LAUGHING! He also began to actually TALK to me at the end of the week. Today, he laughed more than he even had before. And on top of that, he SPOKE to me…voluntarily! Before I even asked him how is day was or how school went. Maybe I’m not supposed to say this but oh well. About 2 weeks into holiday club, Obee came in not feeling well, and one of the volunteers asked if he had eaten that day; he said no. She asked if he had eaten the night before; he said no. So he ate an apple and then had lunch when we served it. But it broke my heart…he’s so tiny! Then at the beginning of week 4, I randomly asked one of the other children who plays with Obee and I, why he doesn’t talk to anyone. Expecting to hear that he only really speaks Afrikaans, I was shocked when this was her response. “His mommy yells at him and hits him all the time. His daddy too.” ………………………………… What?................................. No………….This can’t be real.

                                                                                                                                                                        

But the reality for SO many children in Capricorn, in Cape Town, and in the whole world is that they don’t know love. Like Obee, it could take them weeks to open up to someone who loves them. It breaks my heart.  I knew that Obee had a trust barrier; that was obvious. But I really hoped it was just that I was WHITE or something haha. It is good, however, to know that Christ has come and can change that. He can love those who don't have it. Whether that be through a Living Hope Life Skill Educator, a church, or some crazy white girl from America, GOD has loved us so that we can Love others; we CAN be the Hands and Feet of God. YOU can help make another little Obee laugh....

Although Obee chose my last day- of all days- to be naughty and get sent home early for the first time EVER, today was a good day. We spent all of ‘play’ time, laughing and talking, and laughing some more. My last day in Capricorn could not have been any sweeter. 

Natalie, Roger, Ilana, Stacy, and Shagmie- all of the Life Skill Educators for Capricorn and it’s connecting township, Overcome Heights,- joined all of us volunteers for some AMAZING ice cream at this place called Sinnful Temptations haha. It was SO wonderful to spend my last Club afternoon with them, even if just for a few minutes. I just love them. If there is one thing I would change about my time here, it is that I just did not spend as much time as I would have liked with the Life Skill Educators and other local volunteers. I’m telling you, they are fabulous. They are the true heroes of Living Right and I have been forever changed by simply knowing them; just being around them for 6 weeks has shown me a little bit more of what it looks like to Follow Jesus. 

I will get to say goodbye on Monday, my last full day here before my plane takes off at 11:55pm. It’s certainly bittersweet. Where I am saddened at the thought of saying goodbye to all the friendships I have built here, I am equally just as excited, if not more excited, to get home and reunite with the friends that I have had since pre-school; The family that I have only seen via computer screen on Skype for 6 weeks. I’m excited to come home and show pictures, tell stories, and have dinners with my friends that turn into sleepovers that don’t last very long because none of us can stay up past 9pm without falling asleep because we are all grandma’s at heart.  To sit on the back porch with my parents in the morning while they drink their halfcaf coffee and I drink my South African rooibos tea, and we swap summer stories. I can’t wait. I absolutely cannot wait. 

 

But for now, I must say that today might have been the best day ever. I got a FULL tour of Living Hope since I was unable to have one when I got here because things were crazy. I am still processing. Again, Living Hope is incredible. No wait. GOD is incredible. Living Hope is just the vessel through which He loves on the people of this city. I had a wonderful last day of Club, as I said earlier. I got to talk with my parents which always makes my day! And I had a much needed conversation with Christy Ridings (among many other wonderful things, Christy is a Univeristy Minister at Belmont- she also basically helped open the door for me to come to South Africa- Thanks Christy!!) that just gave me SUCH a Peace about what this year might look like for me when I go back to school. This week, that has been one of the main things that the Enemy has been taunting me with, so that conversation was definitely ordained by God. I don’t know. Best day ever? Maybe.

I know I said I had exciting news for you yesterday, but yesterday our power in the house decided to go out. I know you think I am probably always making this stuff up, but alas, I am not. And since the power/internet always seems to go out when I make a promise of some kind to blog, I will just tell you the exciting news next time I get a chance!

Praying for you!

To God be the Glory,

AC